I’ve had a strange week. Not in the sense that anything unusual has happened. More in the sense that nothing unusual has happened.
By now if everything had gone smoothly with the IVF I would be in the middle of my ‘two week wait’, possibly pregnant and probably being driven crazy wondering if I was.
But instead I am back to my standard daily routine. I can have a wine, I can relax a little. But I haven’t particularly enjoyed the wine as much as I thought I would and I don’t feel particularly relaxed.
When I was really sick, in the middle of the OHSS, I was looking forward to the break from IVF. Time to refresh before the next chapter begins.I thought it would be really good for me both physically and mentally.
But I’m just feeling… blah.
I can’t even define how I feel. Bored? Lost? Stagnant? Frustrated?
And I don’t think it’s just about the delay in trying to become pregnant. I can deal with that. I don’t feel particularly sad or disappointed about it specifically. Just feeling… blah.
Perhaps it is the readjustment of going back to how things were before we started IVF which has me a bit frazzled. It was all go, go, go… then nothing. Or maybe it’s the hormones messing with me.
The kids came back to our place on Monday as we have them every second week. I feel blah about that too. I assure you I’m not a wicked stepmum, I usually love having them around, and it’s not them who are the issue – I think it’s just the continued return to normality and weekly routine which is weighing on me.
I’m feeling a bit disengaged.
I just feel like there is a whole lot of nothingness to my life right at this particular point in time. I have Christmas parties coming up, and family visiting in a matter of weeks, so much work to do around the house including painting and renovations to finish. But it all just makes me feel ‘meh’.
Perhaps the answer is to simply throw myself into everything I want to achieve and never do.
Fitness and health, my Life Coaching studies, the aforementioned renovations, working on this blog. Time to take action and finish this year with a big bang!
God knows it’s been a challenging year. So instead of wallowing in my ‘blah-ness’ it calls for a whole lot lot of ‘snap the hell out of it’ and let’s make this time worthwhile. I feel the need to show myself that I can do whatever the hell I want to do and get it done!
Prove to myself I can achieve anything I put my mind to. And put myself first. That one is a big one for me and something I struggle with big time.
So yesterday afternoon when I got home instead of rushing to put dinner on or chat to the kids or do washing I went straight to my room and put my gym gear on. I jumped on the treadmill for the first time in months. I’d been too scared to do any exercise when we started IVF in case it affected our outcome. And ok let’s be honest, it was an easy excuse….
Getting on the treadmill – I walked and I ran a bit – easing my self into it after what my body has been through. I did some tricep dips and sit ups and push ups.
It felt really good and my mood was instantly lifted – no exaggeration. I felt strong and I felt proud.
I can do anything I put my mind to and I don’t have to wallow in a life on pause. I can make the next few months be whatever I want them to be.
The only thing I needed to change was the boundaries I place on myself in my own mind.
good things small 